Depression sucks. Just sayin’.
When I woke up this morning I was a little more tired than usual, but otherwise felt fine. As the morning progressed, I started to have this sense of dread that slowly started building. Herb must have sensed it because as I was preparing breakfast he came over to me and said, “You look like you could use a hug.” …yes I did. I felt like crying but for no particular reason. I managed to muddle through breakfast and making the kids’ lunches. Herb took Samantha to catch the school bus at 6:30am. I had an hour before Devin’s bus arrived, so I decided to let Izabella and him play while I watched some news. I wanted to hear the commentary about the Presidential debate from last night.
I turned on the TV and thought I could sit there and unwind the tightening that was happening in my chest. I should have known better. Devin and Izabella were starting to get rambunctious and very loud. I hollered over the sound of the TV for them to “settle down”, but to no avail. On “good days” I can manage my emotions fairly well and not get overly frustrated. On days that my depression is exacerbated, I lose my temper easily and today was no exception. The next thing I know, I’m yelling at the kids to be quiet and they are crying. Parenting fail.
My heart was hardened towards them and I was determined to watch the news despite the chaos going on, so I just turned the TV volume up. So now I have two screaming and crying kids, a blaring TV (which is making the kids even more upset), and I’m fuming—good times? I think not. I finally conceded defeat. This was not the battle I should have picked because everyone was miserable. The TV went off and a few minutes later Devin’s bus arrived and it was time to drive Izabella to school.
After dropping her off, my sense of failure was overwhelming. I kept hearing words of condemnation…
“You’re a bad mom”
“They will be damaged by your actions”
“You are not worthy”
“You are unforgivable”
It was only 7:45am and my day was already a train-wreck. Herb had suggested that I go workout because that usually makes me feel better, but frankly, the last thing I wanted was to feel better. Depression loves it when you wallow in your misery. I didn’t want to do anything. In fact, if it hadn’t been for the high-octane coffee I had this morning, I probably would be in bed right now with the covers pulled over my head.
I forced myself to stop at the grocery store, then I came home and thought I would rake some leaves in the backyard. Working outside is usually another way I can overcome my dire mood. That lasted only about five minutes when the project seemed overwhelming and I went back inside.
I was reminded of something a counselor once told me…
“You have to join the fight. Medication is a helper, but you have to choose to fight the depression.”
That is when I decided to write this blog. I want to live in victory over this disorder and writing is my preferred way to process my emotions. Thanks for coming along for the ride.
As I write this, I can feel the cloud lifting and I am thinking more clearly. Depression is a disorder that wants to pull you down into the pit and keep you there until you decide to fully give up—that life is not worth living. Depression is trying to kill me and I am choosing to fight back. I choose to listen to God’s truth instead of depression’s lies. God wants me to know that…
I am redeemed.
I am saved through faith in Jesus.
I am forgiven.
I am worthy.
I am His child.
I am loved.
These are things that I want my children to know too. I look forward to seeing their faces this afternoon and asking for their forgiveness. I am humbled that God chose Herb and I as Samantha’s, Izabella’s, and Devin’s parents. My life is blessed beyond measure to have a Godly husband and three amazing kids. They are worth me fighting every day for peace within myself.